(1) My life mission was not to feed my body with food and sex, but to feed my brain with knowledge and to establish the rule of that knowledge over internal and external affairs of my life within environment in which I was born to my parents.
(2) The illiterate but lovely mother and less educated but highly intelligent and strong struggling father were my support points for my aforesaid mission of rule of knowledge. But my marriage became my turning point converting my said support points into my weak point.
(3) The marriage could not understand my highly challenging mission of establishing rule of knowledge, forget about marriage giving any monetary or even moral support to my mission. My marriage expected only food support to my small family of three and educational support to one child born out of my marriage. It was just a small dependency expectation of marriage from my hard earned knowledge and that small expectation of marriage without recognizing my high mission itself became my obstruction point in way of my mission.The external world well recognized that small need of my family and gave me only that much small value in return of my hard earned precious knowledge.
(4) It was a hard struggle throughout my life all the way and all the time on two basic sides of love and fear and related economics and politics respectively. My expectation was too high from marriage linked with my high mission as aforesaid and expectation of marriage from me was too low linked with basic family maintenance and its relative dependency. It was a total mismatch making sandwich position for everybody within my small family of just three including myself as highly educated (compared to my poorly educated family background) head of family, my less educated dependent wife and our dependent student child.
(5) The dependent girl child has now become independent by achieving my mission of rule of knowledge for herself before her marriage itself. I hope this pre marital career success of my child continues even during her post marital life. However, it is true that this achievement of my girl child is of her own earned out of her own hard work, dedication and intelligence. This is in spite of my monetary and moral support to her in her education and career choice as a duty bound father. But fact remains that it is her own success and not mine.
(6) At the fag end of 60 years of my life when I look back, I realize that my great father's story is repeated in my life too. My father was not highly educated like me or my daughter, but he had great wisdom and courage of facing challenges of life coming from all sides including illiterate dependent wife and four dependent children including myself. He fought well in poverty to prove his greatness in his great leadership mission, but was ultimately forced by odd environmental circumstances to cool down with failure in his great leadership mission. I am facing the same failure in my mission of rule of knowledge at fag end of my life.
(7) Who is responsible for my failure? I avoid blaming my marriage and odd environmental circumstances. Let me forget about all that. It is true that my knowledge itself could not support me in achievement of my mission of rule of knowledge. It may be because of my own foolishness in failing to link my knowledge to my reality. I am publishing this failure story of my life with hope that others will learn something from my failure story. I hope that readers will not compare my failure story with success stories of great persons who have faced worst challenges than me. -Adv.Baliram More
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